That's Tootie Cootiekisser to you

Follow the instructions to find your new name. The following is an excerpt from a children's book,* "Captain Underpants and the Perilous Plot of Professor Poopy-pants" by Dave Pilkey: The evil Professor forces everyone to assume new names...
Use the third letter of your first name to determine your New first name:

• • a = poopsie
  • b = lumpy
  • c = buttercup
  • d = gidget
  • e = crusty
  • f = greasy
  • g = fluffy
  • h = cheeseball
  • i = chim-chim
  • j = stinky
  • k = flunky
  • l = boobie
  • m = pinky
  • n = zippy
  • o = goober
  • p = doofus
  • q = slimy
  • r = loopy
  • s = snotty
  • t = tootie
  • u = dorkey
  • v = squeezit
  • w = oprah
  • x = skipper
  • y = dinky
  • z = zsa-zsa

Use the second letter of your last name to determine the first half of your new last name:

• • * a = apple
  • * b = toilet
  • * c = giggle
  • * d = burger
  • * e = girdle
  • * f = barf
  • * g = lizard
  • * h = waffle
  • * i = cootie
  • * j = monkey
  • * k = potty
  • * l = liver
  • * m = banana
  • * n = rhino
  • * o = bubble
  • * p = hamster
  • * q = toad
  • * r = gizzard
  • * s = pizza
  • * t = gerbil
  • * u = chicken
  • * v = pickle
  • * w = chuckle
  • * x = tofu
  • * y = gorilla
  • * z = stinker

Use the fourth letter of your last name to determine the second half of your new last name:

• • * a = head
  • * b = mouth
  • * c = face
  • * d = nose
  • * e = tush
  • * f = breath
  • * g = pants
  • * h = shorts
  • * i = lips
  • * j = honker
  • * k = butt
  • * l = brain
  • * m = tushie
  • * n = chunks
  • * o = hiney
  • * p = biscuits
  • * q = toes
  • * r = buns
  • * s = fanny
  • * t = sniffer
  • * u = sprinkles
  • * v = kisser
  • * w = squirt
  • * x = humperdinck
  • * y = brains
  • * z = juice

Thus, for example, George W. Bush's new name is Goober Chickenshorts.