Friday, May 11, 2007
Fridays would be better if I had more sleep and I was happier. Happier is the key. This year has been total crap as far as I'm concerned. Didn't get the job I wanted, personal life is crap. I'm even breaking dishes (not on purpose). Nothing like cleaning up glass all over the floor at 6 in the morning. I've been waiting for something to turn around but perhaps I'm going about the wrong way. I better make something turn around. From reading yarn harlot, I'm very motivated about writing on a novel I started many months ago. It'd be great to write something cool and go on a book tour every couple years. She also inspires me to knit. And to be happy. As crazy as her life sounds, she sounds contented and doing what she likes. I aspire to be that way. I aspire to be that way very badly. I'm trying to head that way. I'm taking geography classes, I'm knitting and crocheting, I'm writing, I'm spending time with my kids, participate in choir and hand chime choir, president of a church ladies group, president of a council at work, looking for different work, wanting a garden, wanting to work more around the yard, trying to go in the direction I want. It's probably (almost certainly) too much for me. But I'll get more depressed if I just sit around and not participate in anything. My husband is the main problem. Drug addict and other problems of his own. It's bad for me to be around him but I can't seem to get away. Maybe if I articulate more of how I'm feeling and thought processes, maybe I can see what I'm doing wrong. I'm need to forgive myself for hanging on so long with him. It's tough. Sometimes it's perfectly clear that I need to get away from him and sometimes it's not. I want to be happy again, or at least feel that I have the chance to be.